I think belief in The Worst Thing In The World is at the heart of a lot of abusive and dysfunctional relationships.  I believe that many abusers believe that breaking up, being rejected, feeling emasculated, or losing their power in a relationship are The Worst Thing In The World, and that’s why they’re willing to go to desperate lengths and hurt people to avoid it.

What I did to my ex-boyfriend– threatening myself and refusing to leave him alone– was abuse.  Fortunately it didn’t go on very long, but it was abusive.  And I didn’t do it because it felt good to scare and upset him.  I did it because I was so deeply afraid of losing him. You get ugly when you’re really afraid– anyone with a phobia can empathize with this.  If you’re phobic of snakes and suddenly you fall in a snake pit, it doesn’t matter what kind of nice gentle person you normally are. You’ll do whatever it takes to get away– you’ll step on people, you’ll scream at them, you’ll shove them out of your way even if it hurts them.  What I felt when I screamed “talk to me or I’ll hurt myself” at my ex wasn’t a power trip or an evil cackling glee. What I felt was snake-fleeing desperation.

I don’t think this accounts for all forms of abuse, but I think it’s a pretty common motivation.  I think cultural narratives of Perfect Love and Forever Love play into it big-time, too.  We don’t teach kids “someday your Prince Charming will come, and hopefully you’ll have good times together even if it doesn’t work out in the end.”  We teach them that people are expected to hook up permanently and seamlessly, and if they don’t… we don’t really address that possibility.  It’s left hanging, unspoken but definitely undesirable, perfect conditions for setting something up as The Worst Thing In The World.  The idea that maybe a relationship problem can’t be fixed or maybe you will be single when you don’t want to be, that these are painful but not infinitely painful, doesn’t come up much in any media or education aimed at people under thirty.

I suspect a class on “rejection happens to the best of us, and it’s painful and awkward for everyone involved, so here’s how to take care of yourself during and after a rejection” would prevent more abuse than just repeating the messages of “no means no” and “hitting is bad.”

What fabrications they are, mothers. Scarecrows, wax dolls for us to stick pins into, crude diagrams. We deny them an existence of their own, we make them up to suit ourselves – our own hungers, our own wishes, our own deficiencies.

Nonviolent struggle is just as complex as military warfare, if not more. Its participants must be well-trained and have clear objectives, and its leaders must have a strategy of how to achieve those objectives.